Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Chapter 5 - The Town of Distant Relevance (5)

Once inside her office, Sinister stared around curiously. Not at all what he expected. There was a couch and a few chairs, a desk with a little pendulum and absolutely no books or scrolls anywhere. A large map of the town lined one of the walls and little red dots covered most of the map.

“Oh, that’s my TTD incidence locator. But we haven’t introduced ourselves yet. I’m Mathilda, also known as She Who Must Not Be Called By Any Other Name.”

“I’m Sinister and this is Dexter.”

“Well, pleased to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you. How’s your mother, poor dear?” said Mathilda quite unexpectedly.

“You know us?” asked Sinister incredulously.

“No, but it’s good manners to always imply that you have known someone for years. You really should read ‘Ethel’s Guide to Etiquette and Other Ethical Questions – The Definitive Guide for the Discerning Healer and Socialite alike’.”

“My friend here…you said he’s suffering from IGS with Remorse. What’s that?”

“Induced Guilt Syndrome with Remorse. Sometimes they suffer from IGS without Remorse, you know. Like I said, quite a complicated affliction. Was the onset rapid?”

“Uhm, yes, quite rapid.”

“Any extrahuman inducement?”

Was The Guy human or not, thought Sinister.

“No, I guess quite human inducement to be sure, I think.”

“Hmmm, you’re not sure. You should really have those ears checked out, you know.”

“My ears are perfectly normal and let’s stick to the problem, shall we!”

“All right, I’m all ears. No need to get upset. You’re just suffering from PNOAEP.”

“What,” said Sinister through gnashed teeth, “is PNOAEP?”

“Purposeful Neglect Of An Ear Problem, of course. It’s quite common. Sort of like the garden variety of denial. Let’s get back to your friend. Does he want any help?”

“Does it seem as if he wants any help?” said Sinister exasperated. This creature was really getting to him.

“Oh alright, let’s play it by ear, shall we. Sorry, just an expression. No, frankly, he seems quite happy to be sad and guilty and remorseful. They usually are, I understand.”

“Can you help him?”

“Well…it’s very difficult to treat. Most painful…”

“But can you help him?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No. At least not without the elixir of the Beast of the Cave.”

“And where is the elixir of the Beast of the Cave?”

“Well, I’d suppose it’s with the Beast of the Cave, wouldn’t you agree?”

“And I suppose the Beast will not surrender this elixir, then?”

“Well, no, not as far as I know. There have been those who tried, I know. They all came back alive.”

“Without the elixir of the Beast of the Cave, I suppose?”

“Yes. And with a strange new nervous affliction too. It seems that the Beast plays some kind of game and the one who loses must surrender his or her curiosity. The Beast has never lost.”

“Curiosity? Never mind, And you must have this elixir to help my friend?”

“Oh yes, definitely. Without the elixir there can be no hope of recovery for your friend, I’m afraid.”

“Where do I find this Beast of the Cave, or CuriousBeast thing?”

Mathilda sighed a long protracted sigh of intense exasperation.

“Apparently I must spell it all out to you. The Beast of the Cave can be found in the Cave, where else?”

Sinister sighed a sigh of even more protracted proportions.

“Where…is…this…Cave?”

“Well, that I don’t know. Leave your friend here. Go find the Beast and bring the elixir to me. See you then.”

With these words Mathilda ushered Sinister out of her office, closed the door with a slight bang and left no doubt that the interview was closed.

Well, I guess I need to go and find that Beast then, thought Sinister dejectedly and walked out of Hucklenose’s House of Healing.

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